Smiling Proud Wanderer Vol 01 Page 19

  “Tian Boguang grinned, ‘The little beauty says no killing, I won’t kill you then!’ he said.

  “Uncle-Master Tian-Song covered his wound with his hands and rushed down the stairs. Big Brother Linghu was about to run after him and help, but Tian Boguang grabbed him. ‘Brother Linghu,’ he said, ‘this bull-nose is too arrogant. He would rather die than ask for your help. Why go asking for trouble?’ Big Brother Linghu shook his head, let out a wry smile, and poured two full bowls of wine down his throat.

  “Master, I was thinking, we Buddhists have five primary prohibitions, and the fifth one is the prohibition against alcohol. Although Big Brother Linghu was no Buddhist, it was still not good to drink wine nonstop like that. But I dared not say a thing to him, afraid that he was going to scold me and say something like ‘Once one sees a nun….’”

  “Those insane words of Linghu Chong should never be mentioned again,” Dingyi admonished.

  “Yes, Master!” Yilin answered.

  “What happened after that?” Dingyi asked.

  “‘That bull-nose’s Kung Fu is not bad at all,’ Tian Boguang said. ‘My attack wasn’t slow, yet he was able to move three inches back and barely escape my deathblow. Taishan Sword School’s Kung Fu has some real stuff. Brother Linghu, since this bull-nose ran away alive, you’re probably going to have quite a bit trouble after today. I intended to kill him just now and save you from further trouble, but too bad, I didn’t quite make it.’

  “‘I get into trouble everyday,’ Big Brother Linghu said with a smile. ‘Forget about that darned trouble. Let’s drink. Brother Tian, if you had chopped the same way at me earlier – my Kung Fu is no match for Uncle-Master Tian-Song – I wouldn’t have made it out alive.’

  “‘I held back some when I fought with you,’ Tian Boguang grinned. ‘That’s because I wanted to thank you for not killing me in the cave last night.’

  “I felt very confused. Does that mean Big Brother Linghu was actually the winner when they fought in the cave, and Big Brother Linghu showed mercy and spared his life?”

  At these words, everybody showed a disapproving face. They all thought that Linghu Chong shouldn’t have been so courteous to Tian Boguang, who was such an evil rapist.

  Yilin went on, “‘Last night in the cave,’ Big Brother Linghu said, ‘I had already tried my best. My skills are not as good as yours. How dare I show you mercy?’

  “Tian Boguang burst into a loud laugh. ‘When you and the little nun were hiding in the cave,’ he said, ‘the little nun made a noise and I discovered her whereabouts, but you were still holding your breath and I really had no idea that someone else was also hiding in the shadows. I was about to grab the little nun and break all her prohibitions. All you had to do was to wait a little bit longer till I was fully enjoying myself, and then thrust your sword. You could have easily sent me on my way. Brother Linghu, you are not a twelve-year-old boy; you know how things are done. I know you are a true man of honor who does not want to kill from behind one’s back, that’s why you only poked me slightly on my shoulder.’

  “Big Brother Linghu rebuffed him, ‘If I had waited a little bit longer, the little nun would have already been humiliated by you. Listen to me. Yes, I get angry every time I see a nun, but since Heng-Shan Sword School is a member of the Five Mountains Sword Alliance, and you were attacking one of its members. Something like that can not be tolerated.’

  “‘Well,’ Tian Boguang grinned. ‘If you had just stabbed three inches deeper, I would have lost my whole arm. Why did you draw back your sword after you poked me?’

  “‘I am an apprentice of the Huashan Sword School,’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘I don’t attack people from behind. You chopped me in the shoulder earlier. I stabbed you in the shoulder as payback to get even, so we could fight a fair fight. Nobody would have any advantage on the other.’

  “Tian Boguang laughed loudly. ‘Great! I am glad to make you a friend. Come on, let’s drink another bowl.’

  “‘My Kung Fu may not be as good as yours, but my drinking tolerance is much better than yours,’ Big Brother Linghu said.

  “‘Are you sure? I don’t think so. You want a contest? Come on, let’s first drink ten bowls of wine each,’ Tian Boguang proposed.

  “‘Brother Tian,’ Big Brother Linghu said with a frown, ‘I thought you were a real man who wouldn’t take advantage of others, that’s why I wanted to bet on the drinking contest. But apparently I was wrong. I am really disappointed.’

  “Tian Boguang looked at him from the corner of his eyes. ‘How am I taking advantage of you?’ he asked.

  “‘You know very well that I don’t like nuns,’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘Every time I see a nun I feel uncomfortable and lose my appetite. How can I still have a drinking contest with you?’

  “Tian Boguang laughed again. ‘Brother Linghu,’ he said, ‘I know you are trying every trick you can to save this little nun. But I love beautiful women more than my own life. I’ve picked this beautiful little nun, and I’ll never let her go. If you want me to set her free, there is only one way to make me.’

  “‘All right, spit it out then,’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘Even if I have to go up a hill of knives or swim in a pot of boiling oil, I’ll do it. If I hesitate at your request, then I am not a true man.’

  “Tian Boguang filled two bowls with wine. ‘Drink this bowl of wine and then I’ll tell you,’ he said with a big grin.

  “Big Brother Linghu picked up the bowl and said, ‘Bottom’s up!’ then gulped the wine down his throat. Tian Boguang also drank a bowl of wine. ‘Brother Linghu,’ he said, ‘I see you as my friend. The rule of the Martial World is that there will be no molestation of a friend’s wife. If you agree to marry this little nun…little nun….’” Yilin’s face blushed while she spoke out these words. She stared at her feet and her voice became softer and softer. At the last word, her voice was so low that people could hardly discern her words.

  Dingyi struck the table with her palm and yelled, “Nonsense! More and more obscenity! What happened after that?”

  In a very soft tone Yilin said, “Tian Boguang kept spouting nonsense. ‘For a true man, once his word is given, even a wagon with four horses cannot drag it back. If you agree to marry…marry her, I’ll let her go right away. I will also bow to her and apologize to her. There is no other way but that!’

  “‘Bah!’ Big Brother Linghu rebuffed. ‘Do you want me to have bad luck for the rest of my life? Never mention that again.’

  “Tian Boguang then said a lot more nonsense such as – once the hair grows back, a nun is not a nun anymore – and a lot of other crazy words that are too ridiculous to speak aloud. I covered up my ears and tried not to listen.

  “‘Shut up!’ Big Brother Linghu cried out. ‘Stop making such crass jokes. You are driving me insane! How can I still participate in the contest when I am going insane? If you don’t let her go, then let’s fight till one of us drops dead.’

  “‘You are no match for me in a fight!’ Tian Boguang said with a smirk.

  “‘If we fight while standing up,’ Big Brother Linghu said, ‘I am not good enough to challenge you. But if we fight while sitting down, you are no match for me!’”

  Everyone still remembered from Yilin’s story that Tian Boguang blocked over twenty fierce attacks from a Taishan Sword School master, Priest Tian-Song, without leaving his seat. It was quite obvious he was very good at fighting while sitting down. Apparently, Linghu Chong was intentionally trying to irritate him with those words.

  “When one meets with such a villain, it might be a good idea to irritate him first before attacking,” He Sanqi said with a nod.

  “Hearing these words,” Yilin went on, “Tian Boguang did not get angry at all. He simply said with a grin, ‘Brother Linghu, Tian Boguang admires your courage and personality, not your Kung Fu.’

  “Big Brother Linghu immediately followed, ‘Linghu Chong admires your fast knife strokes while standing up, but not your fast knife strokes whi
le sitting down.’

  “‘There’s something you don’t know,’ Tian Boguang explained. ‘When I was a young boy, my legs had problems. For two years, I was only able to practice my knife skills sitting down. Fighting while sitting down is actually my specialty. Just now when I was fighting the bull…bull…priest, I wasn’t really deriding his skills; I was just used to fighting while sitting down, so I got lazy and didn’t bother to stand up. Brother Linghu, you are not as good as I am in this department.’

  “‘Brother Tian, there’s something you don’t know either,’ Big Brother Linghu also began explaining. ‘Because of the problems of your legs, you had to practice your knife skills while sitting down for two years. That was only two years. My other Kung Fu skills are not as good, but fighting while sitting down, I am really better. I practice my sword skills while sitting down every single day.’”

  At these words, all eyes turned toward Lao Denuo, all wondering, “Is there really a special Huashan sword form that is practiced while sitting down?”

  Lao Denuo shook his head. “Big Apprentice Brother was just kidding. Our sword school does not have such martial arts.”

  Yilin went on with the story, “Tian Boguang appeared to be taken by surprise. ‘Really?’ he said. ‘Then I must be ignorant. I’d like to see this Huashan Sword School’s Sit…Sit…What’s the name of the sword art?’

  “‘This sword art was not taught by my respectful Master. I created it myself,’ Big Brother Linghu grinned.

  “Tian Boguang’s face turned solemn at these words. ‘I see,’ he said. ‘Brother Linghu, you must be a genius. That is very admirable!’”

  Everyone in the hall knew exactly why Tian Boguang was so moved. In one’s study of the Martial Arts, it was very difficult to create a new set of sword arts or hand fighting forms. One would have to have both first-class Kung Fu skills and outstanding knowledge and intelligence to find a way to create new moves. A big school like the Huashan Sword School had been in existence for several hundred years. Each of Huashan Sword School’s martial arts moves was improved and tested thousands of times. It would have been very difficult to even modify just one of its existing moves, let alone create a new set of sword arts.

  “Did Big Apprentice Brother create a new set of sword arts?” Lao Denuo thought to himself. “How come he never mentioned this to Master?”

  Yilin continued, “Big Brother Linghu grinned. ‘This set of sword arts is very smelly. There is nothing to admire about it.’

  “Tian Boguang was confused. ‘Why is it very smelly?’ he asked. I was also very confused. A set of sword arts could be bad; how could it be smelly?

  “Big Brother Linghu then explained, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, every morning when I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet, there are always annoying flies flying around, so I would pick up my sword and try to kill the flies. In the beginning, I could hardly hit any of the flies, but after many days, my thrusts got better, and I could hit some of them. Gradually, my mind and thrusts worked in harmony, and I was able to create a set of sword arts out of thrusting at the flies. When I use this sword art, I am always sitting on a toilet, so of course it would be a bit smelly.’

  “Hearing this, I could not help laughing. Big Brother Linghu was so funny. How could anyone practice sword arts like that? But when Tian Boguang heard these words, his face turned livid.

  “‘Brother Linghu,’ he said angrily, ‘I see you as a friend, but what you said is just going too far. Are you saying that I am just a fly in the toilet? Well, then let me take a look at your…your…!’”

  People in the hall could not help nodding. It was well known that when first-class Kung Fu masters fought, if one became impetuous, then he would have lost thirty percent of his chances of winning. Linghu Chong’s words were obviously intended to enrage Tian Boguang, and now that Tian Boguang did get angry, he had already stepped into the trap.

  “Very good!” Dingyi remarked. “And then?”

  Yilin went on, “Big Brother Linghu chuckled. ‘I practice this sword art just for fun, and never intended to use it to fight with anybody. Brother Tian, please don’t get the wrong impression. I would never compare you to a fly in the toilet.’ I couldn’t help laughing again.

  “Tian Boguang got even angrier. He pulled out his knife and smacked it on the table. ‘Well, then let’s all sit down and see who’s better.’ Seeing the fierce look in his eyes, I was very frightened. Obviously he had decided to kill Big Brother Linghu.

  “Big Brother Linghu said, ‘Fighting while sitting down, my Kung Fu is better, and you can’t possibly win. We just became good friends, brother Tian, why ruin our relationship? Besides, Linghu Chong is a true man. I don’t want to use what I am really good at to take advantage of a friend.’

  “‘I wish for it myself; nobody will blame you for taking advantage of me,’ Tian Boguang scoffed.

  “‘Brother Tian, are you sure you really want it?’ Big Brother Linghu asked.

  “‘Definitely!’ Tian Boguang said without hesitation.

  “‘And you are sure you want to fight while we sit down?’ Big Brother Linghu asked again.

  “‘Yes! Definitely fight while sitting down!’ Tian Boguang confirmed again.

  “Big Brother Linghu then said, ‘Alright! If you say so! But we have to establish some rules first. Here it goes: before one can claim to be the victor, whoever stands up loses the contest.’

  “‘Exactly! Before one can claim to be the victor, whoever stands up loses the contest,’ Tian Boguang agreed.

  “‘So what penalty shall we give to the loser?’ Big Brother Linghu asked.

  “‘Whatever you say,’ Tian Boguang answered.

  “‘Let me think about it,’ Big Brother Linghu requested. He paused for a second and then said, ‘Very well! First, starting from today, if the loser sees the little nun again, he shall behave himself. No impolite behavior or words. And as soon as he sees her, he shall bow in respect and say, ‘Little Sister, apprentice Tian Boguang asks after your health.’

  “‘Bah, what do you mean? How do you know I am going to lose? What if you lose?’ Tian Boguang complained.

  “‘Same for me,’ Big Brother Linghu answered without hesitation. ‘No matter who loses, he shall have to submit to Heng-Shan Sword School to be the grand-apprentice of Old Sister Dingyi and apprentice of this little nun.’

  “Master, don’t you think Big Brother Linghu was very funny? If the fight was between them, why would the loser have to submit to our Heng-Shan Sword School? And how could I take them as my apprentices?” After these words, a slight smile appeared on her face. Her face had always looked upset before, but now when she smiled, it seemed as if a ray of sunshine had brightened the room.

  “These crude people will say anything. Don’t listen to them. Linghu Chong was just trying to enrage Tian Boguang,” Dingyi said. After saying these words, she raised her head a little and narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out how Linghu Chong could win the fight. If he lost the fight, how could he go back on his word? She thought for a while and knew that her own intelligence was far less than the rascal Linghu Chong. It would just be a waste of energy. So she asked, “What did Tian Boguang say?”

  “Seeing Big Brother Linghu speak with such confidence,” Yilin said, “Tian Boguang showed a little hesitation. I guess he was a little worried. Maybe he was thinking that Big Brother Linghu could really have some outstanding fighting skills when sitting down.

  “Big Brother Linghu kept nudging him, ‘If you really don’t want to submit to the Heng-Shan Sword School, then we’d better not have this contest.’

  “‘Nonsense!’ Tian Boguang exclaimed angrily. ‘Alright, I agree! Whoever loses will have the little nun as his Master!’

  “‘I cannot have you as my apprentices,’ I said in a hurry. ‘My Kung Fu skills are too weak, and my Master wouldn’t let me either. All the people in our Heng-Shan Sword School, Buddhists or not, are female. How can we…how can we…?’

  “Big Brothe
r Linghu waved me off. ‘I have made the decision with brother Tian. You simply have to accept it, whether you want to or not. It’s not your call.’ He then turned to Tian Boguang and said, ‘Second, the loser will have to swing his knife and make himself a eunuch.’ Master, what does ‘swing his knife and make himself a eunuch’ mean?”

  Many people started chuckling. Dingyi could not help but grin herself, and a smile finally showed on her strict face. “Those were dirty words from the mouth of a rascal,” she said. “Good child, it is alright if you don’t understand. You don’t need to understand. Those are bad words.”

  “Oh, so those were bad words,” Yilin said. “I thought since there are emperors, of course there will be eunuchs,35 what’s all the fuss about?

  “Tian Boguang stared at Big Brother Linghu. ‘Brother Linghu,’ he asked, ‘you are really sure you will win?’

  “‘Sure!’ Big Brother Linghu answered. ‘Fighting while standing up, I rank eighty-nine among the Kung Fu people in the Martial World, but fighting while sitting down, I rank at number two!’

  “Tian Boguang became curious. ‘If you are number two, then who is number one?’ he asked.

  “‘The Chief of the Demon Cult, Dongfang Invincible!’ Big Brother Linghu said.”

  Hearing the name “Chief of the Demon Cult, Dongfang Invincible,” everybody’s face changed color. Noticing the sudden change in facial expressions, Yilin breathed nervously, feeling afraid that she might have said something wrong. “Master,” she asked, “did I say something wrong?”

  “Just don’t mention that person’s name,” Dingyi said. “So what did Tian Boguang say?”

  Yilin answered, “Tian Boguang nodded. ‘Chief Dongfang ranks number one, I totally agree,’ he said. ‘But calling yourself number two seems to be a bit cocky. Can you even defeat your own Master, Mr. Yue?’

  “‘I am only talking about fighting while sitting down,’ Big Brother Linghu said. ‘Fighting while standing up, my Master ranks at number eight, and I am only number eighty-nine, far behind the respectful Master.’

  “‘I see,’ Tian Boguang nodded in agreement. ‘Then fighting while standing up, where do I stand? And who did the ranking?’